In Defence of Hypocrisy

Dr Jyotsna Bhattacharjee

After a long stint on this good earth of ours, I suppose I may be regarded as an authority on many a life’s little slips and foibles — which may seem to be like molehills in the process of life, yet they might turn into mountains, bringing catastrophes and depressions to somebody’s life. The mistakes we make unintentionally may bring havoc into our lives. After all these years of my uneventful life and possibly in the last phase of my life, I have learnt quite a lot of things, which might have made many wonderful changes in my lifestyle if I had been aware of them earlier. The most important lesson that life has taught me it is that it is very easy to break friendship and make enemies — and very difficult to get real, genuine and good friends. We have of course to understand the meaning of friendship and who are our real friends. Good-weather friends are three a penny; only when we fall into some real crisis, we can judge who are our true friends. Hence it is very necessary to preserve good friends and handle them with care. If the bond of friendship is not strong enough it may collapse at the slightest pretext, like any fragile thing.

We need tact to maintain friendship — misunderstandings may be disastrous. Frankness and truthfulness are commendable qualities, but sometimes they might lead to cataclysmic consequences. So I think that a little hypocrisy and some harmless lies are essential for a smooth and happy life, whatever the moralists might say. After all these years of learning by trial and error method, I am not quite cautious regarding what I say to people in order to prolong friendship and keep the ball of conversation rolling.

There was a time when I made an enemy every time I opened my mouth and the list of enemies became longer with each passing day. For me now it is a case of "once bitten twice shy" — and I am striving not to make mistakes, at least not too many. With so many years left behind me, I know fairly well as to how I should go on and I suppose I may share my worldly wisdom with others for what they are worth. They might hopefully help some people, who are younger and less experienced than myself, in maintaining their peace of mind.

One of the most important things to remember is that we should never make criticism — even if somebody is in crying need of some judicious amount of criticism. I can tell you from my own experience the disastrous consequence of criticism. A friend once came to me, breathing fire on some unfortunate person. She has always been a delightful person — friendly and jolly. But on that day she appeared to be unusually grim and angry. On inquiry about her belligerent mood, she revealed that a mutual friend dared to criticize her latest hairdo, which had cost her a great deal. She fumed: "I don’t mind constructive criticism — but it was pure spite. She herself looked hideous in her purple sari and heavy make-up. But did I comment on it? Of course not.’’

Then she looked at me with an arrested expression on her face and asked for my views on her coiffure. To me it resembled a bird’s nest and she was really looking frightful. But apprehending her displeasure, I hesitated to make any comment on it and was extremely reluctant to air my views. She interrupted my speculations rudely and said, "I don’t want any frills or sugary coating. Give me your honest opinion. You are my friend — surely you will not mislead me." Fool that I was, I took her words at face value and considering it to be my duty to tell her the truth, I gave her my honest opinion — and thus ended our beautiful friendship. She still talks to me when we meet somewhere, but the warmth is gone and talks have become cold and formal. I should have understood that when people want your views on something they have done, they actually want accolades and not disparagement. I did not realize the simple truth that nobody relished criticism — constructive or otherwise.

After all these years I have become wiser and know more about the world. I have put some restraint on my unruly tongue. Another thing is that we must never agree with the parents if they moan about the waywardness of their children. They would not like us to add our mite to the accusation of their children. Even if we know that somebody’s son has done something wrong we must not say it. Parents want us to appreciate their children and not condemn them for whatever they have done. Joining a mother in her accusation of her son or daughter would merely raise her bristles. If a mother says that her son has been giving her sleepless nights with his wrongdoing, it would be wiser to tell her that her son is a sweet innocent and has not any evil thought in his mind, even if we know that he happens to be a young devil, getting into all sorts of scrapes. If you say that, you will be rewarded with a beaming smile. Every family has problems — and if some member of the family harps on their problem, it would be much better to keep mum.

Human beings are a varied collection of different hues and shades. One would like to demonstrate his superior knowledge by rattling off names and events occurring all over the country. You may know all about them and perhaps more than what he knows. Yet you have to humour him and listen attentively to what he says without interruption. It would be better not to throw a damper on his joy by saying that you had already heard about that.

(The writer is a former HoD, Philosophy, Cotton College, Guwahati) THE SENTINEL